The Inbetween

Your current is dangerous and when it is still, it is waiting to be provoked. I do not know whether to stay on the shore and wait till your currents have calmed to sail again or locate a new ocean to sail. I am in the in between.

I am unsure whether in time you will welcome me back to join you or churn up a storm to keep me out. Perplexed, I sit at the edge of the shore. Yet, I feel like I am anchored to the bottom of the sea bed, chained around my ankles, floating aimlessly just below the surface of the sea. I cannot sink to the bottom nor am I able to float to the top. Now do you understand? I am in the in between.

It feels like I am staring at the face of a clock, gnawing as the minute hand goes back and forth between two dials, waiting for it to make one revolution. And I think to myself, can it be fixed or is it time to get a new clock? I am in the in between.

It feels as though I am climbing a mountain, oxygen concentrations are depleting, I am exhausted and weak. But I have almost made it to the top, shall I take this as a victory in itself or climb cautiously and tactically to the top? I am in the in between.

Do I hold on and wait or let go? There is nothing more torturous than false hope.

I am in the in between. – S.Alaa

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The lighthouse

I am the lighthouse that has guided you through your darkest nights.

At times my light may have been dimmer than other nights, but I have always been alight.

Like other ships, you may think you can take the tides without me but one day you will miss my light.

When sharp coast rocks graze against you and the angry ocean tides crash against you, you will look for my light in the chaos of the night.

Like other ships, you may sail off searching for a better light, but one day you will come back in search of my light.

I am the lighthouse that has always kept you safe at night.

One day my love, you will miss my light. – S. Alaa

Play date

Plates filled with half eaten cookies, sweet like your kisses;  tea cups half full with your favourite type of tea, but now cold and bitter like your temper.

The sun has set and our play date is over, but I will still take a stroll over the white picket fence we built together and remind myself of the colour of your skin, that resembles the sun rise of a new day.

I will sit on my favourite swing and watch as yours, adjacent to mine, rustles gently in the wind and I will sing your favourite lullaby for when you search for something to help you sleep at night.

The sun has set and our play date is over, but I will still set a pot of your favourite type of tea and pretend that this is not goodbye but a permanent game of hide and seek.

-S.alaa

 

Heaven & Hell

Heaven.

When you are good to me, it feels like heaven. I am cradled within your arms and sheltered from harm by your angelic wings. You tuck me into the soft clouds and watch over me as I nestle into a blissful sleep. Playing the strings of my heart as softly as you play the harp, my angel.

Hell.

When it is bad, it is the epitome of hell. Your temper ruptures like a volcano and your destructive words spew out, burning me alive. You ruthlessly drag whatever is left of me down to the earths scorching core, ensuring no ounce of my dignity and self worth is left. After all, the devil was once an angel too.

Saudade

There is no shame in loving someone that no longer loves you. There is no shame in missing someone that no longer misses you. It is heartbreaking but it is not shameful.

And if you find yourself laying there, wide eyed and fragile in the early hours of the morning, missing the one you love but who is long gone, tell them. Do not let the fear of these feelings not being reciprocated stop you. Do not let fear paralyse you from whispering those three precious words.

Embrace your softness, embrace your emotions and embrace the love you have for everything and everyone. There is no weakness exemplified in expressing your love. There is only strength shown in the ability to express your love for another who does not feel the same.

One life. That is all we have, one life. Love everyone and everything unconditionally, no matter the consequences.

I have loved, and still do, love individuals who no longer love me. I have confessed to missing them, despite knowing it will not be reciprocated or acknowledged. I do not love because I want to be loved, I love because I cannot help but love. I will always embrace that side of myself, regardless of the outcome. – S. Alaa