The idea

People love the idea of me, they love the idea of having someone as kind and sweet as me, but they don’t really love me. They don’t love all of me, only the good and not the bad. They only want me during the best of times never during the worst.

They choose me or keep me around because I am the better choice. But I want to be chosen because they feel no one can compare to me.I want to be the only choice. I want to be chosen because they want to wake up by my side everyday, they want to deal with my bad habits no one elses, they would rather fight with me than live in peace without me. They don’t choose me because of how they feel for me, they choose me because of how I make them feel.

You see, when someone wants you for the way they feel for you, even when you’re not at your best or not treating them in the best possible manner they still want you. They don’t look at you and think of the good and make a decision based upon that, they think of your bad and despite that want to be with you.

When someone wants you for the way you make them feel based on the things you do, they don’t want you around when you’re not or havent been at your best. They are impatient and don’t see you worthy of their time and effort. Someone who truly loves you cannot stay away from you despite the circumstances good or bad. If people pick and choose when to love you or when they want you based on the circumstances, then they dont really love you.

I was never wanted because of the way you felt. I was only kept around for the way I made you feel. For the kind things I did, the love I filled you up with and the smile I’d constantly smear on your face.

You never loved me, just the idea of me. – S.Alaa

A childish lover

Tantrums were thrown when fed his mistakes.

A restless game of Tag, his ego loved to be chased.

Hid his emotions in fear of looking weak, a daunting play of hide and seek.

Finally, when it was my turn to be chased, he wailed “No, I don’t want to play”.

– S. Alaa

This is not love.

The countless times I would pour out my heart to the ones who were dearest to me, only to have my feelings thrown back in my face. Tell me lover, was it worth it? Was it worth the momentarily satisfaction of power?

The countless occasions I spent chasing undeserving lovers who intentionally hurt me and denied every ounce of responsibility. Tell me lover, is your ego well fed now? Was it worth taking my restless effort for granted, to fulfil your childish grudge?

The haikus and poems I wrote comparing your sad, angry eyes to the beautiful constellation of stars that blanket over us are no longer there to decorate the truth: You did not deserve me. No longer oblivious by the infatuation I once had to see you never have known my worth and you never will.

All the kind words and softness you took for granted. All the pleading and apologies you took for granted. Indoctrinated by your anger and bitterness, a pathetic attempt to play a godly role to punish me, instead you lost out on me, lover.

I pity you, for your fear of looking weak by uttering the words “I love you” or “I am sorry”, have done nothing but left you lonely. Weakness is in the inability to express love and honesty in fear of losing the upper hand. There is no shame in telling someone you need them. There is no shame in admitting you were wrong. Let them know that the sound of their voice still lingers in your ear. Let them know that you’re yearning to feel their warmth in your arms. Let go of the stubborn mask that you all hide behind.

Shame on you if you let them go and call it love.

Shame on you if your pride outweighs their importance to you, that is not love.

Shame on you if you desire them yet torment them out of anger and bitterness.

That is not love.

This is not love. – S. Alaa